CoBrew League Ender

And just like that the Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia crowd at Company Brewing has wrapped up their summer league. There are many things to note–the strong showing from Farts Anonymous, the league domination and win from Scrambled Eggs, the nonstop hilarity of Wisconsin’s Trivia Sharted–that came out of this league. But when you have that much good, there’s bound to be some bad as well. Tunnelsnakes, for example.

Tunnelsnakes spends most of their non-trivia time outside a liquor store offering to buy kids beer, and after the kids give them a few bucks they take the money and split. Tunnelsnakes is also the kind of team that is more than happy to buy cigarettes for kids. Tunnelsnakes is the kind of team that microwaves yesterday’s coffee for 20 seconds before serving it to you. Fucking Tunnelsnakes still wears a Halliburton tee shirt and claims it’s ironic. Tunnelsnakes gives savings bonds as a wedding present. Tunnelsnakes once got together as a team and all peed in a cookie sheet, then froze that gross amalgam in order to later slide it under a door, so when urine ice sheet melts BOOM! puddle of piss of someone’s floor. Now, you might be saying, “Greggers, thats a dumb college dorm prank.” But check this shit, naysayers, Tunnelsnakes did it in a nursing home, to their own grandmother.

Anyway, Tunnelsnakes got third place. 

If you need a palate cleanser following the trash of that whole ordeal, I suggest getting your rump to on Brady Street tonight. Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg, and Lewis, a man who spent three semesters teaching Astronomy 614: I Love My Curvy Space Wife and referring to all mentions of an Einstein-Rosen Bridge as a Dennis Rodman Hole, will be there to toss out the questions. The show starts at 7pm. See you there. 

 

GTFO Summer

And just like that summer is over. Everything has to go as we start making room for fall questions. No more fucking around with white pants categories. That sweet, sweet, pumpkin spice smell in the air. The kind of questions you need a light jacket for. It really is my favorite trivia season. 

But first we need to start wrapping up those late summer leagues. And who better to do it than the players at Up & Under on Brady Street. I assume Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg is ready. And Morty Lew stays ready. And if any teams roll in with deep knowledge on hot topics like Phobias, Horses in Popular Culture and Snacks, they are certainly going to kick down a couple doors and take home a win. 

This week is so good. The only complaint I have is the lack of questions about nanaimo bars in the snacks category. To the players who will say “nanaimo bars would be under the deserts category, idiot”, I suggest you open your mind. I don’t know what kind of weird, puritanical household you grew up in, but in this house (Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Global Headquarters, Rap Emporium and Online Content Chop Shop) we don’t recognize your outdated food taxonomy. I made some nanaimo bars yesterday as part of my annual coast-to-coast celebration of of foods. We had vegan lobster rolls from Nova Scotia, poutine representing the street trash on Montreal, some timbits from Toronto, canola oil shooters from Saskatchewan and nanaimo bars from Nanaimo. And you better believe I was crushing nanaimos before, during and after the meal. 

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t let society tell you when and where you can eat a delicious treat. But also, don’t show up unprepared to trivia and think you can walk away with first place. 

So once you’ve done your studies, practiced with the blade and gathered a team, get yourself down to Up & Under on Brady Street tonight. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

 

Putting the Fire Inspector on High Alert

Company Brewing has got its work cut out for it tonight. First off, can the players possibly stack more than 71 people in the joint. That’s how many showed up last weekend. 71. That’s massive. And what about the CoBrewCrew, are they ready for another crowd like that tonight? That’s a lot of Space Whistle mosaic IPA to be pouring. And finally, is Wisconsin’s Hardest Nick able to handle a crowd that big? Does he have an intern who is there to help him? 

 

These are all questions that will be answered tonight with certainty. There are also 50 questions that will possibly be answered with various levels of certainty. But what else can we expect when we roll out questions on categories like 2019 NFL Starting Quarterbacks, Singapore and Building Materials

 

Having typed the words above, I have to be honest, I’m so happy the CoBrewCrew and Wisconsin’s Hardest Nick will be there tonight. I assume no one is coming for questions about Singapore or NFL Quarterbacks. Sure, we all know Singapore is where passion and possibilities meet. And what more is there to know about quarterbacks? It’s all touchies, audibles and fifth downs. But that Building Materials category, that one is a gem. I haven’t read those questions yet, but I assume every answer is wood. Or maybe Lincoln Logs

 

Anyway, we’ve got room for at least 75 at in the house tonight. If you’re ready to play, all you have to do is get your team together and show up at Company Brewing in Riverwest. The questions will be rapid fire, the competition will be intense and the beers will be cold. See you there. The show starts at seven, but I suggest getting there earlier. See you then.

 

Your Week 34 Preview

 

Summer leagues roll on! 

Tonight the crowd at Company Brewing gets to flash their worth. We’ll get to see how many more points Scrambled Eggs can stack on their 82-point, league-leading total. Or, perhaps Farts Anonymous will add enough to their 72 to close the gap. We’re getting down to the wire folks. Who will it be? 

Of course there is always Tunnelsnakes, who have 61 points and aren’t mathematically eliminated yet, but honestly, I wrote them off years ago. I don’t even know Soviets Can Wash In Dirt, Sir, but I like the 50 points they’re putting up. Then, there are others like Unidirectional Unicycle, Big Money.., and the Gentrifiers of Catan who are probably muttering things like, “it’s an honor just to play” and “Fuck this whole show”. 

But first, all those teams need to make it through tonight’s rounds. They’ll need to prove what they know about things like Household Chemicals, The Life and Works of Toni Morrison, and the film Easy Rider

The show is open to anyone, all you need to do is get a team together, or play solo if you think you’re a trivia heavy hitter, and get to Company Brewing in Riverwest. Once you’re there, you’ll want to order a Thousandfold imperial stout or, if you’re like me, a Cer.Voces dark mexican lager, and get ready for Wisconsin’s Hardest Nick to drop those 50 hot ones. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

 

Drippy Chrimbo

Whooo, there is some weight in the air in Madison today. A lot of people think it’s due to the students moving, but the real players–the Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Players–they know this is the weight that is now on Neal of Fortune’s shoulders. It actually started last week when founding member SNeal first saw threats from former team members tell him not to fuck up the legacy. Honestly, I don’t know if I could play under that kind of pressure. I mean, to go from being the winningest team in Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia history to telling riddles to strangers by the dumpsters behind the Madison Public Library. This is the only way I see it going. Think about that kind of loss.  

But what about those other teams?

Think of Team Drink Ticket, Clever Girl or Good Enough. While they are usually battling it out for third place, THIS COULD BE THEIR TIME. Certainly we’re going to see Dern slip, as they won’t even be there tonight. And Spoony Bards, this crew is poised to snap into gear. While they are the standard always-the-bridezillasmaid-never-the-bridezilla team, they’re looking at this week as their opportunity to prove themselves as contenders. 

Of course, the match tonight could go to anyone. There could be a team who walks in for the first time and takes home the top spot. Maybe we’ll see the return of Fuck the EFG or the King of Havey Road step in and step up. All I know is that if you think you’ve got the brain power to play Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia, tonight is the night to do it. \

Like each week, anyone can play. All you need to do is get your crew to Glass Nickel Pizza on Atwood and grab a seat in the basement. The menu is fresh. The beers are cold. And the questions are sizzlers. Jake will be there. Young Nick will be there. I’ll be there with the questions. All you have to do is get there by 7pm. See you then.

Dog Days of Summer

Are these the dog days of summer? When time seems as slow and heavy as the air? 

I was standing at the gate of Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Global Headquarters, Rap Emporium, Content Chop Shop and Luxury Vape Showroom, and no matter how I tweaked my rig, every stream of jelly bean-flavored cotton just settled at my feet. Like dry ice on the run up to Halloween. I noticed my white-on-white sambas were turning a dingy yellow and I knew Dîner en Blanc was not in the cards for me tonight. 

But you know I wouldn’t be afraid to stomp those sneaks down to Company Brewing for a proper trivia match. I suspect some sort of discoloration whether it be on your shoes, clothes or a questionable spot on your back is encouraged at the Monday night show. It proves you’ve spent a little time truly living in this world. You’re not afraid of the grime and grit. You’re no stranger to the back of a cop car, but doing hard time isn’t something you’re accustomed to. Sure, you bike to work, but it’s an e-bike. You know the crowd I’m talking about.

The kind of people who might get really excited when we cover topics like the Alleged Oeuvre of William Shakespeare and Pirates of the Modern World. And you can just imagine that CoBrew crew going bananas when Nick tell them they’re about to cover Big Little Lies. A whole bar full of people screaming with joy and one voice mumbling, “I heard Adam Scott is really good in it”. 

Chaos. Pure Chaos. Right here in the heart of Riverwest, in the dog days or summer. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

 

When the Nick is Away…

Apparently this is what happens when Nick goes on vacation. I sit here at Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia Global Headquarters, Rap Emporium and Misery Annex, trying to figure out the best way to prank him. I already ruined the first thought when I started pitching him the concept of “warm gin” before he even left.

“Think about it, you’re having a party. Maybe it’s a pool party. It’s just going to be abs and butts and boobs everywhere. You pick up a jumbo bottle of Beefeater which you had put out there, poolside, at nine in the morning. It’s mid afternoon now, the sun has been cooking the bottle. To the touch you wouldn’t call it ‘hot’, but it’s certainly in that 20-min old coffee range. You pop the top on that bad boy, pour it in a coffee mug and start sip-sip-sipping through your reusable metal straw.” 

And all he had to say was “Gross.”

Come on, Nick, live a little. 

So now only real prank options I can think of filling his office with scorpions, tossing the rotting carcass of a cow into his office in hopes of attracting buzzards or burning down his childhood home. All of which seem less funny the more I think of them.

Needless to say, the time not spent scheming has been spent getting ready for this week’s Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia shows. We’re kicking it off tonight at Company Brewing, and it is certain to be a banger. There will be a category about famous fictional bartenders. You know we’re going to have a Tour de France recap to drop on you, and as a special treat we’re going to introduce you to the 100 percent, completely and randomly selected town of Bothell, Washington.    

These are going to be heaters from your head to your feeters. And you know the CoBrewCrew is going to keep you happy and hydrated. You could grab one of those Cer.Voces, a Mexican dark lager that must be amazing. Or, if you’re truly a lover of life, you can walk up to bar, order a tall glass of gin, slip the bartender a couple extras dollars and say, “Maybe you pop this bad boy in the microwave for 35-45 seconds…”

Ultimately it doesn’t matter what your drink of choice is. What matters is that you’ve got your team at Company Brewing tonight. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

 

I’m Back, As If Anyone Noticed I Was Gone

We now know where trivia stands in the hearts and minds of the players. Not one person reached out to say “What are the categories this week?” or “Where are our clues, asshole?” 

Not a single person texted and asked, “You doing alright?” If so, they would have learned that I was doing great, but just got hung up in the middle of nowhere northern Wisconsin where there was no mobile service and really spotty internet action. Plus, I totally forgot that is was Monday until nearly 5:30, when I was being traffic on the drive home. 

Anyway, I missed that CoBrew show. I’m sure it was great. I’m sure the anagram team came up with something like Three Dollar Pickle Slicer Toyota Previa or whatever. The good news is that I’m here posting trash and giving those Up & Under players plenty of time to get ready for tonight’s show, knowing they had better study Quentin Tarintino, More About Wines, and then Famous Murders

If you want to break that down in true Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia style that’s a category about a sleazy white guy, privilege, and creepy white guys behaving badly. 

As is tradition, the show tonight will be manned by Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg and Lewis, a man who knows all the lyrics to the Barenaked Ladies’ jam One Week and is not afraid to break them out any time. The show starts at 7pm. See you then.    

 

Summer Heaters

I haven’t checked the weather for Milwaukee today, and y’all know I haven’t stepped outside since Thanksgiving, but I do hope Up & Under has the AC on full blast. And players, you’re going to need it. 

First off, let’s assume an ambient air temperature of 82 degrees tonight at 7pm. You’re also going to push that up by seven to nine degrees when you start feeling the heat of this weeks questions. They are just pure fire. Then you add two degrees for the decomposition and off-gassing of the Brady Street vomit and the bodies and lies buried below. WOOOF. I’m already sweating thinking about it. 

Finally, there’s the goddamned open flame that now threatens every team at trivia. You see, the team formerly known as When Life Gives You CthulhuLemons, Make CthulhuLemonade is not fucking around with their naming convention. Since the league began at Company Brewing they have been Rancid Sweatshirt Visions, I Toss Christian Dwarves, Anarchist Nerds Visit So. WI and Downstairs, It Rains Chives

Last night they show up, bananagrammaphone in hand, and snap off Ass Riders Visit Chinatown. And now we all have to deal with it. It hangs over the heads of everyone playing at Up & Under tonight. It’s like the Sword of Damocles but on fire–LIKE A FLAMING SWORD OF DAMOCLES. 

And frankly, that is just adding to the heat of Wisconsin’s Hardest Trivia summer leagues this week. 

Fortunately, Celebrity Guest Host Andy Berg and Lewis, a man who single-handedly beat up an entire college acapella squad and then tossed them into Lake Michigan because he felt their version of In The Navy was some stolen valor bullshit, will be there to keep it cool. There will obviously be cold beers and mixers to beat that heat as well. And if you do well enough at Trivia, those frosty beverages might even be free. 

So get to the Up & Under tonight for your chance to win. The show starts at 7pm. See you there.

 

The Trivia Boys of Summer

Rejoice! Trivia Players! This is one of those great weeks during which we have all of the questions and answers written before the week even starts. I don’t want to say that after nine and a half years, we’re organized. But, we’re getting there. 

Perhaps it’s the chill vibes of summer that have enabled us to achieve this fete. But then again, it’s not like Lewis had his laptop at the beach. His toes getting little rhythmic smooches from the waves while he bangs out questions and crafts a moon landing conspiracy about how if you look at the reflection in the visor of Buzz Aldrin’s spaceman helmet you can clearly see Dick Cheney watching .gifs of September 11 attacks while jerking off with salt. 

Maybe it was Nick, really capturing the essence of summer and embracing the sun bleached streaks in his beard. You’d think by the looks of those natural, tropical highlights he’s been doing summer right. 

And what about me? You might think I’m milking every last moment out of summer, bouncing from cook out to cook out, with the top off the Jeep, skipping between tracks on the Soko album I Thought I Was an Alien, Ragana’s You Take Nothing and Destruction, Not Reformation by Book of Sand, a Coors Light Party Ball riding shotgun and just waiting to be cracked open. 

C’mon, you know trivia is an indoor sport. This week we put in the work and you’re all going to reap the benefits. Nick is kicking it off at Company Brewing. As league play rolls on, he’s bringing extra summertime heat with categories like Know Your Produce, Catholicism and Celebrity Vineyards. All that starts tonight at 7pm.   

As for Nick’s summertime look, I can tell you that with Sun In Tropical Breeze spray-in hair lightener it’s Sun In, salon out. He’s also stacked like six layers of bronzer on that skin.

 

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